I decided to write more this year. My measurable goal to accomplish this is to publish a post once a month on my blog. Whether or not anyone ever reads it other than me, I want to publish something readable. So today, the last day of January, I write to check the box on this month’s task. I have a post I’m working on but I’m not ready to publish it yet. I’ll use this month’s post to provide a short, sweet update on my life.
Since I last posted a blog, I’ve had a baby. He is the sweetest, cutest, brightest boy, the apple of my eye. I can do nothing but gush over what a thing of good pride it is to have a child. I’ve always been an advocate, protector, and caregiver to children in my life – nieces, cousins, babysittees, the general child I encounter. I strongly believe the obvious theme of Christian scripture: that life is inherently valuable and important according to God’s value system. There is no unimportant life. There is no unredeemable human. Every child has the zeal of God’s love and fullness of his attention. I believe in the value of human life in the womb. I see it is sin against God to demean, devalue, ignore, hate, reject, harm, neglect one’s neighbor and the foundation of that worldview starts with upholding in importance, “the least of these.” Now God has given me a child of my own to love, nurture, and protect. What an incredible honor. Five months into his life and the reality of this gift still confounds me. Why do I get to have such a wonderful gift? I occasionally tell the Lord, “I give him back to you,” the best caregiver, though that is a hard prayer to utter.
I’ve heard multiple believer moms say there is nothing like parenthood to bring you face to face with your own self-centeredness. It is a task, I hear, to repent again and again and renew right relationship with the Lord by correctly loving and serving your child. I see aspects of that train of thought in my relationship to my son – sometimes I just want him to nap so I can relax and have “me” time, sometimes I feel burdened by coming up with ways to occupy him, sometimes I wish I wasn’t fighting my baby weight and could easily go out for a run – but I am not shocked by this. I’m still mostly mentally occupied with gratitude by the blessing of this child in my life (there’s anxiety too regarding it). It’s an honor and gift to me to serve him. I desire deeply to love and serve both him and my husband, to be a lifter of their heads, a teacher of the kingdom of God to them, and to bless them with life ingredients that lend toward good health. Doing those things, I do repent often, and not enough, for self-centered issues. Thanks be to God he gives us repentance. And, ultimately, I try to come to terms with Jesus’s teaching to first serve, love, honor the Lord even over and against serving, honoring, loving my husband and child. That makes Hannah’s prayers regarding Samuel and her commitment to give her only child to the Lord (ante-d up by being literal) all the more sobering. If I place my husband and child in the care of the Lord, he will take the best care of them. That is hard for me.
I also am back to work as a nurse practitioner. The essence of NP work is care. This, like parenthood, has the opportunity to be tainted by sin, but not just personal sin, also the sins of others. It is a difficult task to steward godly care, especially without overtly mentioning God to the patients I serve. To echo the words of The Confession in the Book of Common Prayer, I am responsible in relationship to the Lord to love him in “thought, word, and deed.” At work, I try to serve others by loving the Lord in thought and deed. I consider lately, as I recently contemplate much more the always anticipation of the return of the Lord, if it is worth it to model godliness in deed only. Of course, repentance often (and not often enough) applies regularly in my workplace too. Sometimes I do not honor the Lord in thought, word, or deed. It’s more rare than common that I honor him in all three categories (and, thus, any at all). He is utterly gracious to us, isn’t he? Despite my constant shortcomings, I want to support comprehension of the Lord to others through my words. This seems like the most worthy thing to do – represent Christ, help others see and love him. I keep asking God to give me opportunities and make me loving and bold to do that.
I think prayer helps me better stay the course of “thought, word, and deed.” Regularly reading scripture and avoiding excess media intake does too.
Recently, I’m praying more for others to deeply love and serve God too. For some, there is a long road to Calvary but I notice fervent, regular prayer has impact on those long roads. May I continue to be faithful to do it. Luke 18:1-8 is a motivating factor in my prayer life, on big and small topics.
“Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. 2 He said: “In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared what people thought. 3 And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, ‘Grant me justice against my adversary.’
4 “For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, ‘Even though I don’t fear God or care what people think, 5 yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me!’”
6 And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. 7 And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?””
I ask Jesus for a lot of stuff and maybe some of it is selfishly motivated. The more I commune with him, though, the more he talks back and answers.
The last question in that parable is haunting. When he comes, will he find faith? The return of Jesus is always of prime importance to him.
That’s enough for now.
millennial musing 