lost and not quite found

Oh me, oh my. Do you ever feel lost? Is that the syndrome of the pre-success-realized twenty-something, waiting to emerge into this thing called adulthood? It feels incredibly slow in coming but it also feels that I am incredibly slow in arriving. I haven’t yet blamed it all on me, nor has anyone let me. Believe it or not, twenty-somethings are generally excused from feeling the blame of being “late bloomers.” Thank the Lord for that. I already feel uncomfortable enough as it without any sense of clear direction in my life. Taking the blame for it would be another blow.
A bit of my story: I’m a twenty-six-year-old culinarian. I work at two restaurants here in Birmingham, Alabama. I studied sociology for my undergrad at a pretty darn reputable Southern liberal arts university and did pretty darn well. I fell short in the after-college planning area, though. I never had a course set out for myself. I never had a plan. I came close to it once but I shy away from that one now. I hate the idea of a defined career. It could be my twenty-somethingness (I was a soc major, after all – I know about this stuff) or it could be me, but I find my area of career comfort is mostly in taking opportunities that arise, learning about what interests me, and keeping options open. This works for me. I work for it. Occasionally, however, as is currently the case, I feel the need for a little less ambiguity, a little more definition; a little less free-spirited non-commitment, a little more career-orientation. At the moment, I feel lost.
Let’s face it: I am lost. I do not know what I want to do with my life. The general goal list goes something like this: do something that my interests guide me toward, get married, have a family, have money.
I didn’t know what to do when I graduated college. I worked at a few jobs I knew would not be my career and then I decided to go to culinary school. Now, I’m working at jobs I know I won’t have forever and deciding what I think of culinary school. And the best part of it is I’m slightly on edge about my career, but not worried. I wonder what to do now or next but I don’t fret over it. Thanks to the great faith of my mother and my own natural inclination to believe and rely on the divine, I have a deep awareness and faith in the sovereignty of God, which brings me great solace, but not answers. I have peace I am where I am on purpose. I’m developing and will continue to do so but still the questions come: What do I do with my life, my energies, my time? How do I spend these gifts wisely? Choose according to job security? Follow your passions? Follow your intuition? If you’ve got a good one, I’d say yes. That’s my current guide, my inner compass. And that’s what I’ve got: sense of going, but without a destination in mind; a real doing in life – believe me, I’m keeping busy and I’m working hard – but not a sense of where it will or where I want it to take me.
The other good thing I’m relying on is that at least I have this desire for “something more.” That’s just got to count for something. I want more in life. That’s what leads me to work hard in service industry jobs. I think that’s what led me to culinary school. I wanted to do something hands on, something different, something that was my own. I wanted to better myself, learn “something else.” Now I just wonder if where this is taking me is really where I want to be?
They’re all just thoughts for now. Eventually, I suppose, I’ll have some kind of lesson learned from them all.
Here’s to life lessons on a Thursday and choosing to trust when you’re feeling lost.

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